I am now chasinghung. =)

Dear Me,

There's a whole lot going on. Lots that I could say. Lots that I want to say, but I don't have much time. In between relaxing with Hung and the stress of family and school, I don't have much time for myself anymore. Just time to clean or do laundry. Time to just watch a movie by myself. Time to just write in my blogs. I really am limited in my me time. It's not that I want me time exactly. I want more time with my soul mate, yes. There's just some other stuff that I need to get done around the house, which is sort of like me time. I like to blog every now and then too. Dunno what I'm saying. I'm just finding that I have very little time to relax. All I want to do is relax, and it's never enough. I just want to go on a vacation where I don't have to worry about anything. I'm in dire need of a vacation, even if it's just a whole day escape somewhere far away from any stress. I'll just have to wait until my parents go to China. I'll have more time to do stuff like that...actually, not. I'll have more stress and worries when they leave. Gahh...I'm always screwed in the end. With freedom, I still have freaking responsibilities. At least it's a bit better. Dunno...I just live a crazy life. Please, someone save me now. I don't want to wait a year and a half.

Sincerely,
Stressed Out Gal

Super Weekend

Super weekend! Now back to the same old, same old. One day down, only four more to go. I can do it...yeah right.

The weekend started out kind of hectic with the house ordeal, but it was soon fixed with a nice trip to Costco, followed by KoP!! I admit that I probably got a little too excited about shopping once I got into the groove of things. As a result, I have a few things I need to return. Hung made out with the purchase of the day, a nice wool coat that looks super great on him. It really fits him well and doesn't make him look short and weird. Wool coats are really a toughie with him, and we were both surprised (or maybe it was just me) how well it fit. It even has insulate!!!! J.Crew = love! I bought a hoodie from there, and I'm amazed by how warm it keeps me. We ended our long shopping day with a nice dinner. Mmm..that spicy tuna was delicious. Kind of craving some of that curry chicken we had too.

Sunday was an adventure!! Day started with Hung picking me up super early (compared to normal) to get some breakfast at McDonald's. Went to Virginia with his parents, which was a huge deal to me. This was like woah, big step approaching. Please be cautious and don't trip and make an ass out of yourself sort of thing. The car ride was super nice. Made really good time and arrived in Virginia to see snow falling from the sky! Snow, I tell ya! It was so nice to see his family again. Really missed them, even though I just saw them a few weeks ago on Christmas. Being with his family really feels like being with the family I never had. My family is just so different and spread out. None of my aunts and uncles are close to my parents, and I never grew up with a nice, big family. I cannot wait for Chinese New Years to see everyone again!

The car ride home was a bit tricky. There were tons of cars on the road, all probably thinking the same thing by trying to get an early start back home. It was pretty dangerous out there with a lot of cars stuck on the side of the road, either from an accident or car failure. Scary just seeing it all and being worried that we could be one of them. I thought falling asleep would do the trick, and maybe I would wake up in Maryland. Actually work up in DC, and the George Washington Parkway was the scariest part of our trip. Needless to say, we survived. Got back onto 495, and we took a pee pee break at a gas station in ______ (omg, I knew the place too because that's the location of the one internship I was looking at...gah). By the time we were in Maryland, there were just a bunch of slow drivers, all scared of something known as water! It was crazy, but traffic started flowing once we neared Baltimore. In four and a half hours, we made it back home safe and sound. It was a super car ride! Went back to his house for dinner, and then retreated back home before it got too late. The roads in Delaware were so normal. Makes me wonder why Delawareans are such bad drivers, like they've never seen snow/rain before.

So yes, that was my super weekend. =)

How do I feel right now? A mix of loneliness, hunger, sadness, and just plain blue feelings. It's one in the AM, and I have barely even touched my books. I'm overwhelmed and not understanding it like I should. Just doesn't click. I'm hungry from the lack of food I ate. One bagel, some rice with pork, half a portobello mushroom, some costco samples, and crumb cake doesn't do much for my body I guess. Maybe I need to eat full meals from now on and not 1/4 meal here and there.

As for the loneliness and sadness deal, I wish I had someone to talk to. Dunno why I always get sad at night. Wrong timing on my part. I can't exactly control when I get sad. Actually I guess if I tried really hard it might be possible. I just know that I realize a lot of stuff at night, more than usual. I'm usually too busy during the day to think of anything. Sure, I can get overwhelmed during a period of time, but at the end of the day that's when it all dwells on me. Usually, he goes to bed, and that's the end of it. I find that there are still things I can't tell him. It's a lot of past experiences that have made me stay away from certain subjects. I'm a kid who is still learning that if I try once and fail, try again and fail, then I'll always fail. I try to talk to him about things that really bother me (i.e. ex), and it never works. Maybe I don't make it clear that "hey, I'm really suffering here, please help me," but even then, I don't think he could or would want to. Like even tonight when I mentioned it and he called me in attempts to talk to me about it. I felt like I was being drilled, and I felt so guilty for even admitting that I even noticed that he was in my class in the first place. So what do I do? Just give up. There's no use. I suffer alone. For me I try to give hints. Like I mentioned how my ex is probably living at home. Did he ask me how I know? Nope. He was busy doing other things, and a little was mentioned before the topic was changed. That's how it works out usually. Oh and when things are bad, he gets sort of upset when I mention it. So what am I to do? Suffer alone and just never mention it. Maybe then I'll blow up.

Even for the everyday things, I wish I could talk to him at the end of the day. It's really stressful for me right now, and I don't need to be told that I'm not being happy anymore. Live in my shoes for a day. Take today for example. I woke up dreading the day even though I was half awake at the time. Class was miserable, and I wasn't prepared for the quiz. That one that I couldn't study for the night before because one thing led to another. Of course I don't say stop because I don't want to do it, but I know I have a quiz to study for. I worry and stress over that and try to plan how I can possibly cram in the info for the remaining hours in the night or possibly wake up early enough to study. Oh and before I even went to class this morning I had to deal with house stuff. Deal with this freaking lady who won't stop calling me. So getting back to class, I go through more trauma as I sit across from my ex, and even Cynthia mentioned something along the lines, "look at your ex.." in a sort of disgusting way. So here I am worrying about houses, my ex, and learning this information that's on the board. I take the quiz and think, "omg, I did so well on my exam, and I'm going to bomb the rest of this class." Take a break and wait for the next class while eating my measly breakfast/lunch. I couldn't even eat it all because I knew I would have to save it for later when I would get hungry. That class was horrible. I saw my grade, which was just a major disappointment for me. I know that I could have studied more for it, but what could I do when I get so easily distracted? Is it my fault for looking at the tv when it's on? I planned on being so much more prepared for this exam, and I wasn't. In turn, I did horrible. I'm tired of getting C's in most of my classes. I'm so tired of it, but what can I do? I put my life before school. This is what I get. So more finance and me not understanding anything. Trying to write down as much as I can and then giving up while counting down the minutes until class is over. I then walk to work where there are people there waiting for their ID's. I sit there for three and a half hours making ID's, looking over notes, and reading stuff online. When can I finally relax? Okay so I get out of work, and of course he forgets that I was happy to see him. Of course. We all do that. Think of how weird the day was and not remember the time something good did happen. So Costco we go, and I admit I was really hungry. I was tired of dealing with house, work, and school. I go on the hunt for food, and I feel like I have to save money. No wasting money on food, although I wanted to get my hands on stuff. Decide that I need to wait to go home and make the mushrooms he's been waiting for all week. We go back to his house, and he's so into making it that he's blowing it up on me. How bad of me not to search for ingredients...I didn't even know what I was supposed to look for. He didn't calm down and just patiently read over the recipe. Just went everywhere and looked like he was about to break down trying to get this right. In turn, I'm like, "what the freak is going on...why is he making such a big deal out of this recipe?" I want to just go over to my notes and start studying, but I didn't know if it was okay to leave him alone. I didn't want to get grief about not helping make a dish I wasn't in the mood for. I wanted quick food...I was hungry. So I try to do some work finally, and of course the food is ready. I'm not in the best of moods. He was just so hyped up over it, and in turn I was just really annoyed. I get a whole problem done while eating dinner, and he brings me over to the couch. I admit it was really nice to be able to cuddle with him. Then he started to touch me, and I couldn't help to think, "not again, please, I have work to do." Of course I wanted him to go on, but this is another night that I need to take time for studying. So we go to Anthony's later, only to know that he didn't even need to be over. I felt odd. Sort of like an unwelcome guest who always tags along. The one who bosses the boyfriend around when I really don't. Admit that I did get a lot of memorizing done in that time, and the occasional chimes from Drew made it more enjoyable. So we go to Starbucks where I get the normal and sit down in attempts to study. He's prepared with the laptop in hand, meaning he's going to completely absorb himself, and I'm left to fend for myself. I ask for help, and he completely ignores me. I admit I was really out of it at times when he started to talk to me. I lost concentration, and my mind drifted around to whatever was around me. I just wish he could try to help me out. I know that he's better at this logical stuff than I am, and right now a lot of finance has to deal with that in determining which equations to use. It gets really irritating after the umpteenth time of not being able to get enough work done. Oh and then in the car I go ahead and complain some more, and I feel like he wants me to shut up because I've already told him this before. I come home to more talk about houses. It pisses me off. I don't want to deal with it anymore. There is my thought process. It's not that I'm not happy with him. It's that I'm stressed, and he's not helping me out. I'm doing it alone. He can't even be there to listen to me at the end of the day when it all just throws itself at me. What am I to do? Pretend to be happy and look forward to tomorrow when I have two quizzes and another three and a half hours of work following that? I'm stressed. There's no room to be happy for the weekend.

So there you go. I am pissed off. I feel like no one understands me again. What the freak? Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He's supposed to be the one who stays awake. Not me. I'm supposed to be able to call him and he'll try to wake up to talk to me. Not exactly. You think I would be used to it by now. Nope. I am needy. I want to be understood. I don't want people to think that I'm never happy when in fact I'm just stressed out, and my inability to speak to him about certain things make it all that much worse. When I'm sad and he knows it, he can't do anything to help me. It makes me so frustrated. Mainly my post has been all out of frustration. This sucks so much. I feel like breaking down again. It's that time for me...just cry and break down. Let it all out...I can't do anything alone and here I am doing it mainly by myself. I just want to give up on myself.

20 years old...

Am I really growing up? I'm twenty years old. I'm not sure if that really hit me. The biggest thrill of turning twenty was being able to be in the same age range as Hung. Instead of a 23 year old going out with a 19 year old, it turned into a 23 year old going out with a 20 year old. Sounds much better. I'm really twenty years old. I've been on earth for a little over twenty years now. I'm finally growing up. I look in the mirror, and I don't see the same face from a few years back. So much has changed, and so much has remained the same. In a year and a half I'll be twenty one years old. I'll hopefully be graduating from college and finding a real job. Am I really ready to grow up?

Starkbucks, please help me survive the night

I just drank a grande white chocolate mocha in hopes of keeping me awake and able to concentrate for the night. So far the keeping me awake part is working, but the concentrating isn't working so well. I feel really overwhelmed by the material, and it doesn't click in my head right away. I have the formulas down I think. There's a lot that just seems random and thrown into the chapters, and it doesn't meld well for me. Gahhh!! I hate finance. I would rather be working on some income statements for accounting, and that's just pathetic if you ask me. I'm not sure what's wrong with me exactly. I keep thinking it's the lack of desire for business all together, and it gives me little interest to learn the material. It's all really dry and boring without much substance for me. Really wishing I could have taken a history course to go along with finance to keep me on my feet. This is so difficult for me. I need help...

Starbucks, please save me from finance and make all of the material sink into this little brain of mine. Please. I'm desperate here.

hush, little baby, don't say a word

Worst night of my life? No. It's up there.

Academia

So I started this winter session in fear of both my classes, accounting and finance. Now I'm down to just one class to fear. If you ask me, that's not too shabby. Maybe I'm inflating my ego way too much right now, but I'm confident of passing accounting with ease. The past quiz was too easy, and I expected much more difficult material. I even did well on the multiple choice questions that would typically stump me. I'm not sure if it's the professor or just my understanding of the material, but I am confident that I'll do well in accounting for once. Sure, it's just managerial accounting, and everyone has already told me that it's easier than financial. I'll just keep believing that I'm smart for once. This homework project is making me even more confident in myself because I truly do understand most of what I'm doing without referring back to my notes. Now only if I could feel this way in each one of my classes for the next few semesters to come. This feelings only comes once in a while, so I better soak it in while it lasts.

Why is it that I feel so dumb so often? Ever since high school, my belief in myself has lowered so much. I don't think that I am capable of doing well in any subject, and my grades reflected it. I always compared myself to others, and I saw that there was no way I could possibly catch up to their level. I gave up immediately. Whenever I applied myself, my grades never said much about the effort I put into it. I just felt like a complete failure. I went from being a 4.0 student to just an average doe. In college I started out well, believing that I could really do well in college. Then I started comparing myself to others, and that's when my grades began to decline. I lose confident in myself so easily.

History is an area where I have no one to really compare to. There are a good handful of people who just don't get it because it's mainly memorization and deals with a lot of reading. Note taking differs greatly, and you really need to have some sort of interest in history to do well. I feel like I have an advantage, and there is no need to compare myself to others. I'm no history buff, but I do like a dose every now and then. I am confident in my abilities to do well, and it reflects in my grades. It's a mix of passion and confidence.

Basically, I need to gain more confidence in my abilities. I need to stop constantly putting myself down and start believing that I am capable of performing well. I just hope that this overconfidence in accounting doesn't bite me in the butt by the end of the week.

Apple, iPhone, etc

iPhone = worry?

Another phone, another obsession..oh no. So Apple has been rolling out with new stuff, and it seems like it happens way too often. I'm honestly not a big fan. I admit that I do like my nano very much, and it's probably my mp3 player of choice because of it's small size and ability to do what I want, which isn't very much to begin with. Other than that, I'm not really into anything else. The osx is okay, but there's a lot that I would need to adjust to. There are functions that just make a whole lot of sense, and you wonder why Microsoft never came up with that idea. The world hasn't caught up to the powers of Apple just yet, and there's still a lot of applications out there that depend on Windows. I don't know much about Apple's products, so I won't bash. I feel like Apple is some sort of cult, and slowly, we're all going to fall into it. Steve Jobs is no better than Bill Gates in my mind. Jobs is probably one of the evil wrong-doers in society who no one ever catches because everyone is following his ways. Dunno...this seems more like a rant that has no substance whatsoever.

Mainly, I worry because Apple makes gadgets. My boyfriend likes gadgets. Dangerous.

new blog excitement

With every new blog, I tend to write consistently for a few days in a row. Here I am again an hour later. Hehe.

Almost a year and a half ago, Hung and I were officially a couple. Within weeks, we knew we were supposed to be together. He even asked me the big question, except it wasn't as big as the real big question if you know what I mean. At that point the worse thing was waiting three years for us to be able to even possibly tie the knot. We're almost at the half way mark, and it feels like we're almost there. I'm really excited for the future. I cannot wait to see what it has to hold for us. To be able to sleep with him every night and wake up to him every morning...simply amazing. He completes my life. Need to keep chugging...only a year and a half left!

new blog, new chapter

Blog #10066...hehe. It sure does seem like it. Why am I starting another blog? There's a new chapter in my life, and none of my blogs have really captured that. Most of them have evidence of my not so fabulous past. So here's to my new blog beginnings! Cheers to a new chapter in my life!

Eight days into the new year, and I haven't voiced out any new years resolutions. I'm thinking I should take a stab at it, and maybe, just maybe, I'll try to follow through with those goals. Okay I'm drawing a complete blank. Of course there's the obvious educational goal of doing better in school, but I always say that and never follow through. Hmm...here goes...

1) Find a good internship for this summer and work on my resume
2) Dean's List
3) Be more physically active
4) Be more productive, less lazy

Happy new year!