How do I feel right now? A mix of loneliness, hunger, sadness, and just plain blue feelings. It's one in the AM, and I have barely even touched my books. I'm overwhelmed and not understanding it like I should. Just doesn't click. I'm hungry from the lack of food I ate. One bagel, some rice with pork, half a portobello mushroom, some costco samples, and crumb cake doesn't do much for my body I guess. Maybe I need to eat full meals from now on and not 1/4 meal here and there.

As for the loneliness and sadness deal, I wish I had someone to talk to. Dunno why I always get sad at night. Wrong timing on my part. I can't exactly control when I get sad. Actually I guess if I tried really hard it might be possible. I just know that I realize a lot of stuff at night, more than usual. I'm usually too busy during the day to think of anything. Sure, I can get overwhelmed during a period of time, but at the end of the day that's when it all dwells on me. Usually, he goes to bed, and that's the end of it. I find that there are still things I can't tell him. It's a lot of past experiences that have made me stay away from certain subjects. I'm a kid who is still learning that if I try once and fail, try again and fail, then I'll always fail. I try to talk to him about things that really bother me (i.e. ex), and it never works. Maybe I don't make it clear that "hey, I'm really suffering here, please help me," but even then, I don't think he could or would want to. Like even tonight when I mentioned it and he called me in attempts to talk to me about it. I felt like I was being drilled, and I felt so guilty for even admitting that I even noticed that he was in my class in the first place. So what do I do? Just give up. There's no use. I suffer alone. For me I try to give hints. Like I mentioned how my ex is probably living at home. Did he ask me how I know? Nope. He was busy doing other things, and a little was mentioned before the topic was changed. That's how it works out usually. Oh and when things are bad, he gets sort of upset when I mention it. So what am I to do? Suffer alone and just never mention it. Maybe then I'll blow up.

Even for the everyday things, I wish I could talk to him at the end of the day. It's really stressful for me right now, and I don't need to be told that I'm not being happy anymore. Live in my shoes for a day. Take today for example. I woke up dreading the day even though I was half awake at the time. Class was miserable, and I wasn't prepared for the quiz. That one that I couldn't study for the night before because one thing led to another. Of course I don't say stop because I don't want to do it, but I know I have a quiz to study for. I worry and stress over that and try to plan how I can possibly cram in the info for the remaining hours in the night or possibly wake up early enough to study. Oh and before I even went to class this morning I had to deal with house stuff. Deal with this freaking lady who won't stop calling me. So getting back to class, I go through more trauma as I sit across from my ex, and even Cynthia mentioned something along the lines, "look at your ex.." in a sort of disgusting way. So here I am worrying about houses, my ex, and learning this information that's on the board. I take the quiz and think, "omg, I did so well on my exam, and I'm going to bomb the rest of this class." Take a break and wait for the next class while eating my measly breakfast/lunch. I couldn't even eat it all because I knew I would have to save it for later when I would get hungry. That class was horrible. I saw my grade, which was just a major disappointment for me. I know that I could have studied more for it, but what could I do when I get so easily distracted? Is it my fault for looking at the tv when it's on? I planned on being so much more prepared for this exam, and I wasn't. In turn, I did horrible. I'm tired of getting C's in most of my classes. I'm so tired of it, but what can I do? I put my life before school. This is what I get. So more finance and me not understanding anything. Trying to write down as much as I can and then giving up while counting down the minutes until class is over. I then walk to work where there are people there waiting for their ID's. I sit there for three and a half hours making ID's, looking over notes, and reading stuff online. When can I finally relax? Okay so I get out of work, and of course he forgets that I was happy to see him. Of course. We all do that. Think of how weird the day was and not remember the time something good did happen. So Costco we go, and I admit I was really hungry. I was tired of dealing with house, work, and school. I go on the hunt for food, and I feel like I have to save money. No wasting money on food, although I wanted to get my hands on stuff. Decide that I need to wait to go home and make the mushrooms he's been waiting for all week. We go back to his house, and he's so into making it that he's blowing it up on me. How bad of me not to search for ingredients...I didn't even know what I was supposed to look for. He didn't calm down and just patiently read over the recipe. Just went everywhere and looked like he was about to break down trying to get this right. In turn, I'm like, "what the freak is going on...why is he making such a big deal out of this recipe?" I want to just go over to my notes and start studying, but I didn't know if it was okay to leave him alone. I didn't want to get grief about not helping make a dish I wasn't in the mood for. I wanted quick food...I was hungry. So I try to do some work finally, and of course the food is ready. I'm not in the best of moods. He was just so hyped up over it, and in turn I was just really annoyed. I get a whole problem done while eating dinner, and he brings me over to the couch. I admit it was really nice to be able to cuddle with him. Then he started to touch me, and I couldn't help to think, "not again, please, I have work to do." Of course I wanted him to go on, but this is another night that I need to take time for studying. So we go to Anthony's later, only to know that he didn't even need to be over. I felt odd. Sort of like an unwelcome guest who always tags along. The one who bosses the boyfriend around when I really don't. Admit that I did get a lot of memorizing done in that time, and the occasional chimes from Drew made it more enjoyable. So we go to Starbucks where I get the normal and sit down in attempts to study. He's prepared with the laptop in hand, meaning he's going to completely absorb himself, and I'm left to fend for myself. I ask for help, and he completely ignores me. I admit I was really out of it at times when he started to talk to me. I lost concentration, and my mind drifted around to whatever was around me. I just wish he could try to help me out. I know that he's better at this logical stuff than I am, and right now a lot of finance has to deal with that in determining which equations to use. It gets really irritating after the umpteenth time of not being able to get enough work done. Oh and then in the car I go ahead and complain some more, and I feel like he wants me to shut up because I've already told him this before. I come home to more talk about houses. It pisses me off. I don't want to deal with it anymore. There is my thought process. It's not that I'm not happy with him. It's that I'm stressed, and he's not helping me out. I'm doing it alone. He can't even be there to listen to me at the end of the day when it all just throws itself at me. What am I to do? Pretend to be happy and look forward to tomorrow when I have two quizzes and another three and a half hours of work following that? I'm stressed. There's no room to be happy for the weekend.

So there you go. I am pissed off. I feel like no one understands me again. What the freak? Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. He's supposed to be the one who stays awake. Not me. I'm supposed to be able to call him and he'll try to wake up to talk to me. Not exactly. You think I would be used to it by now. Nope. I am needy. I want to be understood. I don't want people to think that I'm never happy when in fact I'm just stressed out, and my inability to speak to him about certain things make it all that much worse. When I'm sad and he knows it, he can't do anything to help me. It makes me so frustrated. Mainly my post has been all out of frustration. This sucks so much. I feel like breaking down again. It's that time for me...just cry and break down. Let it all out...I can't do anything alone and here I am doing it mainly by myself. I just want to give up on myself.