Two posts in a single month..quite astonishing!

I'm in one of these phases where life is just down right rough, and I'm just looking forward to the weekend. This semester has been a toughie, and I'm struggling to get through each day. I think the hardest part of this week is surviving tomorrow's dreaded presentation and exam in the following class. I'm already tired out from all the work from Monday and Tuesday. I'm not sure how I can handle today. It's Halloween after all, and I'm not even going to be able to stay at hung's house to hand out candy to cute little kids. Well..last year no kids came knocking on the door, but I could miss the first chance to give out candy this year. I think I'll need a drink after I'm done with Thursday. Of course it doesn't end there. I have a paper to write and a presentation to focus on all weekend. Oh man, oh man.

I still haven't been able to get over that bump in my life..where all is just falling apart. Hung is the only person holding me up..I'm drowning and can barely keep myself afloat. I usually get the most emotional on weekends. Maybe it's because I have so much time to think and not deal with daily school/work. It hits really hard, and the pain brings tears and physical pains to the chest. I want it to go away, but it won't. It never will. I've lost the foundation that most people have in their lives..their families. I lost the one person who was closest to me for the past 10 or 11 years. I lost a part of me, a huge part of me. I miss my dad.

I can't say those words (typing..it's the same thing since it's all being said in my head as I type) without that feeling of tears trying to escape. It hits my nose...a weird feeling...a sign that I'm about to cry. I'm at work. I can't cry.

Ugh.

I'm hungry too. It's off subject, but this is a blog, my blog. There is no order of what I say. Just whatever happens to pop up in my train of thought. I am trying to eat more healthy, possibly lose some weight. It's all wishful thinking. I want results. I don't want to just eat better and be the same. It happens often enough that I get discouraged. I need to eat more fruits and vegetables..that's obvious. I need to drink more milk..another obvious one. I need to eat smaller portions..now that's a toughie. I'll admit that during the day I feel like I need to eat as much as possible to prevent myself from getting hungry an hour or two later. I hate it when I get so weak, to the point where I feel like I'm going to pass out. So I eat a lot in attempts to prevent that. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I just need to eat later in the day, instead of stuffing my face with food right after class, whether it be 10 o'clock or 11 o'clock. I get so hungry in the mornings because lately I've been eating earlier dinners. Ick. I don't like feeling fat. I know I don't look it. I guess I do a good job hiding from the rest of the world.

Speaking of hiding, that's another thing that's on my mind. I hide who I am to the people around me sometimes. No one can tell that I'm going through an emotional roller coaster, only Hung. I try to be that shy, innocent, quiet asian girl. No one notices that my life isn't as easy and carefree as theirs. Sure, they have the same work load I have, and they can juggle with the stress of an actual job. I have more problems in my life than I wish to carry with me. I am juggling the stress from school and the stress of my past and lack of people around me. I have Hung and only Hung. I lack close friends. It sucks when I need friends the most. I keep most feelings to myself, unless I break down. I do that too often. Good thing that no one around me knows. Good thing that my classmates just see me as the quiet asian girl. I can just pretend to be happy around those who aren't close enough to me to know how complicated my life really is.

I wish sometimes that I could be less complicated, more care free. I can only wish.